What to do in South Carolina when the business news is bad, and the business news is very bad indeed.
1. Read Sleep Savvy, the magazine for sleep professionals. Of special interest is the section entitled: SNOOZE NEWS/ Stuff you can use.
2. Check out the vitrine in the Spartanburg Marriott, featuring mannequins of Miss South Carolina on a very unfortunate hair day.
3. Learn to shoot skeet. Actually, fail to learn to shoot skeet. Watch others, both experienced and neophytous, succeed in shooting a bright orange clay disk. But still, I fail to make contact. My excuse, if you care to hear it, is that my eyes do not work in tandem. They started out not working at all, which is to say, I had severe strabismus as a child. Then the eyes were operated on in this fashion: the surgeon popped out the eyeballs, tightened the nerves and tendons that connect the eyeballs to the brain, and then popped them back in.
For many years I believed this to be exactly what happened, until one day I sat next to an ophthalmologist at a 50th birthday party and explained this surgery to him. He looked at me with a combination of incredulity and scorn, revealed his specialty, and told me that I was entirely wrong. That I couldn’t be more wrong. That I was deluded in every possible way. That such an operation did not exist, and I was either stupid or gullible, probably both.
Whatever happened on the optical operating table lo those many years ago, my eyes no longer wander but neither do they track. I compensate for that, so I am told. But not enough to shoot a shotgun and have the ejected shot make contact with the soaring orange clay disk. As I said, such is my excuse and I will stick to it.
4. Enjoy the signs in the plant.
5. Think of sastrugi in Antarctica when it's only cotton waste.