Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Things to do while experiencing rhinovirus impairment

For several days or weeks I’ve been laid low with a cold and cough, whatever. Now that I am somewhat better, I find that I am eager to impart a few suggestions for those of you who might be planning a similar sojourn into the Land of Illness and Fog.

For nose-blowing, rather than your beloved’s shirttails, paper towels or newspapers, I suggest flannel rags that were pajamas in their previous incarnation. Preferably plaid.

For whiling away those long groggy afternoons under the influence of the cough syrup cocktail of your choice, I have discovered the best possible entertainment. Watch any one of the several Free Trees videos made by the charming arborphiliac children of my cousin Christopher, and available on YouTube. Click here or just put Free Trees/ Pescadero into the YouTube search cartouche and you will find a few. They get better with repeated viewing.

After reading the old NY Review of Books that have been accumulating under your bed next to the exercise device acquired from 1-800-FLAT-ABS, spend a little quality time with the Personal Ads looking for the perfect woman for your ex-husband.
Will it be the "attractive, slim, trilingual [She doesn’t specify which three] atheist"?
Or the "adventuress with calm demeanor who skis and snuggles but can’t play Mozart, despite years of lessons"?
Or should we opt for "the gourmet cook (mean paella, heavenly coq au vin, no biscuits though)"?

Now to the all-important WHAT NOT TO DO:
I don’t care how much you love your Polish cleaning lady, or how much folk wisdom she harbors, stay away from her favorite Old Country cure-all:
Hot milk with a large floating barge of butter, grated garlic and honey. (Yes, as bad as it sounds). It is important to stop her before she makes this vile concoction, otherwise she will stand over you until you have drunk it all. I am still recovering.

And finally, do not write down any dreams you have while taking Hycodan (cough syrup with codeine). While they may seem intriguing & pencil-worthy when you first emerge from the fog, I can guarantee that once you are fully awake, you will see them for the kinky and perverted tales they truly are.


Rebecca Rice said...

The whimsy and humor of this piece (I loved the description of the Polish cleaning lady's home remedy)reminded me of Virginia Woolf's delightful essay, "On Being Ill."

LSS riverrun said...

All perfectly good suggestions of how to spend one's afternoon, but why wait for the illness and cough syrup?
Was that Cousin Christopher in the background, wearing plaid pants and evincing near complete imperturbability at the bits of soil dropping on him from the digging dirt dance?
I applaud your first cousins once removed. Great and instructive video.