Cucumbers - one vegetable's journey

You already know everything there is to know about cod, oysters, coffee, sugar and nutmeg, and more, so it seems to me that the world is ready for vegetables to get their share of the glory and their inches of print.
(And yes, I know that technically cucumbers are fruits - as are tomatoes - but we all think of them as cucumbers and that is what counts.)
Either because of the rain or the honeybees, probably both, we have had a bumper crop of cucumbers this year. Every day we harvest about a dozen, and that is more than any healthy person can or should eat in a day. So I made pickles. I don't even eat pickles, so I won't be the one to tell you whether they are any good or not.
We used to give lots away, but no one answers the doorbell anymore.
That is why I am considering a starring role for cucumbers in my next book, to be called something like:
Cucumbers- One Vegetable's Incredible Journey from the Vines of India to Sex Ed Classrooms across America

Cucumbers originated in in India about 4000 years ago and that is why they are called cucumbers, from the Hindi word "kachumbar", rather than something else. The Spaniards brought them to Haiti in 1496 and since then they have become emblematic of afternoon teas frequented by ladies in white gloves.
Which just goes to show how appearances can fool you. Of my vast acquaintance, which includes many women with and without gloves, the most devoted consumer of cucumber sandwiches is CSB. He likes then on very thin bread, with the crusts removed.
Less well documented is how cucumbers have proven their usefulness in Sex Ed classrooms, when it becomes necessary to demonstrate how to put on a condom.The cucumbers shape is appropriate, and they conveniently come in many sizes. The fact that they are green doesn't matter, nor should it.
If this doesn't seem like enough upon which to base an entire book, don't worry. I have plenty pf recipes and folksy cucumber tales, as well as tangential tales about their family members ( zucchini, kumquats, muskmelons, trolls).

The Latest Verboten Item to take on an Airplane

Not cuticle clippers, not a fountain pen (ink is, after all, a liquid), not pruning shears, not e-coli in a vial or any of the other wonderful and dangerous things you might want to travel with.
It is sand.
I have a charming uncle who collects sand. Perhaps this is because he was born in Alexandria, Egypt, which is perched above the Sahara. Or perhaps this is because he used to dive in the Red Sea. Or perhaps it is because he designs, builds and occasionally travels in submarines. He has sand from deserts and beaches all over the world. And being an engineer, he is extremely well organized and hence his sand is well organized, and labeled. Naturally. His sister (my esteemed mother) brings him back sand from wherever she goes, assuming there is sand there.
So when we were on the coast of El Salvador this past week, walking along the black (volcanic) sand beach, I wanted to bring back some sand for my uncle’s collection. It just so happens that along with gazillions of coconuts in varying states of decay, the beach is also home to more litter than is lovely. We found a littered Gatorade bottle and rinsed it in the warm ocean and then filled it with black sand.

Hopeful, the Ridley turtle, at the beach, heading out to sea

What could be better?
Almost anything not sharp or liquid, it seems. After going through the X-ray machine at San Salvador airport, a security guard looked at my Gatorade bottle full of black sand from many different angles. Finally, I took pity and said, “Es arena. It’s sand.”
“Aha, said he. “That is not allowed.”
“Sand is not allowed?”
“No,” he said, but looked dubious. So he showed my bottle of sand to another security guard (repeat looking at from all angles) who nodded sagely in a negative fashion.
My guard returned and said, “It is not allowed.”
“I can’t bring back sand?” I said.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You can’t bring in any earth. No puede traer la tierra.”
We all nodded sadly, repacked my suitcase, then CSB and I continued on to gate 6.
But upon later thought I was perplexed. I have brought sand back from Morocco, Tunisia, Costa Rica and New Jersey, and no one has ever objected. Was this a security decision, a customs decision (in which case it wasn’t his to make), or a spontaneous & illogical decision?
Naturally, I go with the last.

What didn't happen

Today was supposed to be the biweekly meeting of Literature club. (The Ladies Literature Club of Hastings is a most venerable institution and in fact this year we will be celebrating our 100th anniversary, having begun in 1909. Since then we have met on alternate Wednesdays and even with the advent of working women, many of us manage to keep those alternate Wednesdays sacrosanct. Back in 1909 all the ladies were Mrs. Somebody, wore white gloves and their maids served the luncheon. Things have changed. More about Lit Club anon.)
I was supposed to be hostess(a rotating position), which means that at this very moment I should be putting the finishing touches on with the crustless cucumber sandwiches, removing the saran wrap from the egg salad and sundried tomato sandwiches, arranging on the smoked turkey sandwiches symmetrically upon a plate used only on these occasions.
I should be setting out the coffee urn and teapot, making sure the cream in the creamer doesn’t smell bad, and slicing the lemons so thin they are transparent.
But I am not.
Because it is freezing rain out there. (An early morning email from our village government announced this fact. I am especially fond of the alarmist use of all caps.)
FREEZING RAIN ADVISORY IN EFFECT UNTIL 11 AM EST THIS MORNING URGENT - WINTER WEATHER MESSAGE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE UPTON NY 327 AM EST WED JAN 7 2009 ...ADDITIONAL ICING EXPECTED TODAY...SIGNIFICANT ACROSS THE INTERIOR... .LOW PRESSURE TRACKS ACROSS THE GREAT LAKES REGION AS ITS WARM FRONT LIFTS NORTH ACROSS THE REGION THIS MORNING. A SECONDARY LOW FORMING ALONG THE WARM FRONT WILL PASS JUST SOUTHEAST OF LONG ISLAND BY EVENING. THIS COMBINATION WILL RESULT IN THE CONTINUATION OF FREEZING RAIN THIS MORNING...AND INTO THIS AFTERNOON ACROSS THE INTERIOR. A FREEZING RAIN ADVISORY MEANS THAT PERIODS OF FREEZING RAIN OR FREEZING DRIZZLE WILL CAUSE TRAVEL DIFFICULTIES. BE PREPARED FOR SLIPPERY ROADS. SLOW DOWN AND USE CAUTION WHILE DRIVING.

Ah freezing rain. CSB went out and returned with the intelligence that our driveway was a sheet of ice. And because the ground is colder than the rain, ice will continue to form on the roads. At least on our driveway.
Meanwhile, CSB went to work and said the main roads weren’t so bad. In fact the most treacherous driving anywhere is in our driveway. When I emailed news of the cancellation to D-- she wrote back to say that no, her road was the most treacherous.
So instead of lunching with the literary ladies and discussing Books We Recommend and then settling in to hear today’s program on Rumi and the Sufists, I have this block of four or five hours that have – so it seems – been dropped in my lap. Onto my laptop. And what do I do with such a gift of time?
Thus far I have read an article in the Phi Beta Kappa journal (no, it is not mine but my father’s) about the bad message inherent in the adage: Curiosity killed the Cat. I have read what happens when fish ingest Prozac. (More on that anon.) I have read/looked at pictures of Cypriot Icons. Mostly, I am trying to read Levi-Strauss’s From Honey to Ashes, which I firmly believe is very interesting but there are more technical and scientific symbols in the text than fit in my comfort zone. But I will keep trying.